drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
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He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
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Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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