life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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