me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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