2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
My first STD was from a foam party
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
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