I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
