I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
