You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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