just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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