she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
My liver just broke up with me...
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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