I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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