So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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