She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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