I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
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