Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
