the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
