i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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