I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
