I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
