i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
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Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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