just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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