you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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