you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
