i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
