he told me I talked like a deaf person
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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