i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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