her vagina looked like bernie madoff
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
