Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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