im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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