is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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