I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
