my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
