barbara walters just said penis...
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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