Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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