he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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