Swine flu. Run for my life!
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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