I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
