You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
