Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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