I'm really into asian looking animals
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
