Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
