So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
