It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Randomize
