I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
