If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
its liver damage thursday
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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