She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
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Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
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He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
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