I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Man, jail baloney is awful.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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