He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
