you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
