when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
