Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
