i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
