NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
