i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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