i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
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i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
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