Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
