i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
