his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.