My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds