Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
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i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
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You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me