Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
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remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
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We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you