i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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