i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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